Synchronicity

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events as meaningfully related, whereas they are unlikely to be causally related. "A Wink from the Cosmos"

I received a call yesterday around 4:30 pm from my oncologist's office.  Mary, the surgery scheduler was calling to schedule my surgery.  She asks if September 9th is ok.  I scream in my head, "That's too soon!" but oblige and write the date on a Post-It note at my desk.  

After writing down the date, I look at it and realize what day it is.  Its the day my mom lost her battle with ovarian cancer.  On September 9, 2013 my mom will have been missed for 16 years.  She will have missed 16 birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, Anniversaries and Mother's Days.  We will have missed 5,840 days of having her here on this planet with us.  

I heard very little of the conversation with Mary.  I traced that date on my pale yellow Post-It note until it wasn't legible then wrote it on another to start the process again.  I ended up catching the time of surgery before hanging up and dialing my sister, Missy.  I tried to play it cool since I was in the office and surrounded by coworkers but as soon as Missy asked me if I knew what day it was, I completely lost it.  Self control was out the proverbial window.

When you lose someone close, you will hear "I'm sorry" about a billion times.  Although I know some people mean it, I get tired of hearing it.  Sometimes I want to say, "What are you sorry for? The fact that I lost someone that means more to me than you do or are you sorry that you mentioned it and you don't know what else to say?"

Then there's the "it gets easier" comment.  No it doesn't!  You learn to hide it or to go on with your life without that person but the loss never gets easier.  Some days go without a hitch but every holiday, birthday, or special occasion you will be reminded of the person that is missing in your life.  Sometimes for no reason you will wish you could rewind and do something different to make the short time you had even more special.  You will think about the arguments you had and wish you could take them all back.  You will wish you chose that person to spend Friday night with instead of ditching them for your friends.  You will cherish the moments that you had and remember the little things that seemed so menial at the time.  

Our wedding day was one of those special times that I wished my mother could have been present for.  In a way she was.  I incorporated a few details that most people wouldn't have noticed.  The people that knew her and loved her knew the symbolism of those details and that is what mattered to me.

My thoughts on having this surgery knowing what that day was 16 years ago? Everything happens for a reason and I have an angel watching over me.