This weekend has been dedicated to planning for surgery. I'm making my list of things to take to the hospital, my grocery list for the weekend before surgery and a list of the things I have to get done before surgery. Laugh away...my list does include take off fingernail polish before surgery. That's one thing I'm really scared I will forget while making sure I have everything else done.
I have been cooking all day and freezing meals so my family will have healthy meals that require little effort on my husband's part. Although he is a decent cook he is more of a "box cook." This is a person that cooks really well out of a box with instructions. I am a "throw it together and hope it turns out good" cook. I don't use recipes and if I do it's always altered with my own touch.
I have three meals done and in the freezer and three more in the works right now. By the end of today I should have 8 meals in the freezer that only require thawing/heating or being put in the crockpot. I labeled each freezer bag with today's date and instructions on how to cook the contents. I wanted to make it as easy as possible because I would rather his energy be spent on taking care of the kids and letting me rest.
I have also been preparing for menopause. I bought a portable AC unit. No its not portable as in carry it with you everywhere you go. It is portable throughout the house. That way if I decide the couch is more comfortable at night I can take my AC in there. Yes, we have central air conditioning but our main level is on the second floor of our house. On hot days it just doesn't cool properly. I don't want to be hot after surgery and dealing with hot flashes too.
OK, maybe I over plan sometimes. In my defense, I keep this family together. My husband, Donnie is great. He is our protector, our strength, the Daddy and the man of the house but he is not a planner. I guess that is why we work.
I am a control freak. Maybe a little OCD about it. No I'm not one of those "everything has to be spotless" kind of OCD people. I have to have control of things. Going in for surgery not knowing what I'm going to wake up to is out of my control. That bothers me. I'm keeping myself busy by planning everything I can and taking control of as much as possible so I don't go crazy thinking about what I can't control.
I haven't talked much about my feelings yet. I'm scared but not scared of surgery. I've been there, done that and deserve a t-shirt for it. Surgery doesn't scare me anymore. I'm scared of what answers I'm going to get after surgery. Knowing my right ovary is enlarged is scary. My mom had ovarian cancer as most of you know. There is always a chance that I waited too long to have this surgery. That scares me. We are hoping and praying that everything comes out ok and my oncologist is very hopeful. I keep thinking the surgery couldn't come fast enough. I feel like as I sit here my chances of ending up with ovarian cancer get worse and worse. I can't get these silent killers out of me fast enough.
I'm a little overdramatic but I can't help but feel this way lately. I went to the doctor because I have been having pain in my lower right side, extremely tired all the time, cramping during periods has gotten really bad and I feel bloated all the time. Those are all early signs of ovarian cancer so my doctor ran tests and did the ultrasound. Finding out that the right side is enlarged just made my worries even more realistic. This is also why the doctors don't want me to wait to have the surgery. The sooner its out the better even if everything comes back clear.
Donnie won't admit he is scared much but I know he is. Testosterone seems to make men think emotions are a weakness. I get it. Men are supposed to be strong and go out to kill dinner. I am happy to have that strong man that would wrestle a mountain lion for his family but I need him to confide in me too. I don't like sappy men that cry. My dad taught me to love a man that is strong. Some women like men that show their emotions and shower them with flowers and presents. I'm happy to have a man that buys me a gun for Mother's Day and takes me out shooting at the range for a date. My dad also taught me a girl can do anything a boy can do and sometimes better.
I'm having a shirt made for my big strong man to wear for my surgery. Teal shirt with pink lettering that says...
My wife is a
BRCA Mutant Warrior
He will wear it proudly because he loves me and is behind me 100% during this journey. Its also paybacks for my "My husband is a police officer" shirts I get to wear. I wear it because I am proud of my husband. Not only does he protect us he protects others.
Back to cooking now. Then the cleanup begins. Did I mention I hate cleaning?
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