Holidays, Menopause and Loss

Loss is no fun for anyone.  Specially when it is back to back or constantly coming back to haunt you.  I lost my mom when I was young.  Shortly after my dad moved away.  He left me fragile and young with a child of my own to take care of.  I understand it now and I have forgiven him for how he handled the situation.  He was hurting and ran away from the pain.  It probably never occurred to him that I was hurting too and I needed him.  Humans are selfish beings.  It is engrained in us no matter how much charity work you do or how giving you are.  He was selfish and at that time in his life he felt like he needed to be.  If our relationship prior to my mom's illness was different things may have been different when she died.  Through the illness he clung to my brother and nephew while I clung to my sister.  Those were our support people that got us through it all.  Then after Mom passed away my dad clung to another woman.  I hated her.  I really truly hated that woman for coming in and trying to replace my mom.  How could this woman think she would ever replace my dear angelic mother?  Well, that was my interpretation of it at the time...

After all of these years I realize that she is good for my dad.  They take care of each other and neither of them are alone.  I do believe they love each other now but I know neither of them are in love the way they were with their deceased spouses.  It works for them.  The companionship and friendship they have is good for them.  They fight sometimes and that is weird to me.  My parents never fought.  I never saw one single fight between them.  It just didn't happen.  They loved each other so much that nothing could make them so mad at each other that they would fight and be hateful in any way.  That is the love that I have always wanted.  Love can conquer all...except cancer.

Cancer stole my mom from our family.  When I found out I was BRCA positive I instantly became obsessed with cancer.  I wanted to learn how this mutation affected me and any potential cancers I could get as a result of it.  I may have went a little mad with it.  Everything I felt or any symptoms I had I was scared that it was a sign of cancer.  I had my hysterectomy and BSO and that has calmed a little.  I no longer worry about ovarian cancer but there's the breasts, skin, colon, etc that I still worry about.  I'm not one of those "run to the doctor" kind of people.  I sit back and I stress about the "what if's" of it all.  What if I end up with breast cancer before I can have the PBM?  What if my children are left to live out their lives in the same situation I did?  What if their dad won't be there to support them emotionally if I'm gone? 

I know there are so many "what ifs" in life and worrying about them will not make the outcome any better but I can't retrain my brain to think differently.  I'm trying very hard though.  I don't think about it constantly but it does happen often. 

This weekend has been a rough one.  I'm mad.  I'm mad at Donnie. I'm mad at my situation. I'm mad at my inabilities. I'm mad at my frustration. I'm mad at myself.  I'm mad that I can't let go of the hurt and pain I feel from all of these losses in my life.  I'm mad that I have had to endure these losses and pain.  I have all of this anger inside me and I don't know how to let go of it.  I know I'm trying to work through the feelings instead of ignoring it but I can't seem to pinpoint where to start or what the root of all the anger is.  How do you put your finger on what is bothering you when you have so many things that could be the source?  It is overwhelming. 

I'm mad at how overwhelmed I feel as well.  I look at the house and I don't know where to start.  I can't pick a room and clean because the whole thing is staring me in the face begging to be done.  I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just have to walk away from all of it.  It gets done but not without me feeling like I'm going crazy in the process.  That is just one example of the frustration I feel.  I want to ignore things and hope they go away even though I know it doesn't work like that.  I think if I ignore Donnie the issues with him will just go away but all it does is make me build up more hatred towards him.  Then that hatred comes out in snide comments and looks of disgust.  I'm careful to pretend in front of the boys but I guess that only makes me a really good actress.  Unfortunately, I am a good actress and have been for so very long.  I never let my feelings show when it is personal.  How many times people have said something about my mom and I say "its ok" when really its not at all??  Way too many to count.  Its not ok!  Its not ok that I lost her and its not ok that Donnie walked out.  It fucking hurts.  I feel lost.  I feel like I got dealt the shitty hand of life. 

Strong...everyone tells me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak!  I feel like I'm weak because I can't have this perfect little life for the kids.  I feel weak because I can't handle the stress and pain.  All of that weakness I feel turns into anger.  It is a vicious cycle and menopause doesn't help any of it.  I feel like a crazy person muddling through life as I'm being thrown curve balls.  I just keep dodging and walking the path that I'm walking.  It is never ending and never changing.  It is full of pain, loss and anger.  I just want to find that rainbow that doesn't fade when the clouds move in.  I want to find that happiness that lasts through the hard times. 

Wow, its been over a year...an update!

Ok, I have been off the radar for a while so we need to catch up.

Let's see...where to start...

Menopause sucks but its manageable, I found out I have a form of lupus that effects my skin, I have allergies to things you can't get away from and I'm now a single mom of 3 boys. 

Yep, you heard that right.  Single mom status over here...

Totally unexpected on my part but my husband walked out.  No he ran out in the middle of the night and then broke up with me through a text message.  Pretty great way to end a 14 year relationship right?  That was in July.  July is a hard month for me.  My mom's birthday, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary are all in July.  Its an emotional month all around. 

For months I cried and begged him to come back.  I was miserable.  I didn't want to go on with out him.  Everyday gets better though.  I'm seeing two counselors...yep two!  I have come to realize I'm pretty messed up emotionally.  The first step is to admit it right?!

I had planned on having my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy (PBM) this year but now I have to put it off for a little bit.  I'm hurt by that because he was supposed to be there and support me through all of this.  I lost my best friend, my husband and my emotional support.  Luckily I have amazing people in my life that are there for me. 

So back to the previvor journey...menopause sucks.

Well the lack of a period and PMS is pretty amazing but the hot flashes and night sweats were killing me for a while.  I gained weight, fell into a depression, was always tired and just felt miserable for a while.  Then he left.  Wow I was a mess.  I'm getting better though. 

My doctor and I agreed we should increase my estrogen a little.  I'm still WAY below what a normal woman has but it helps with the menopause symptoms.  I still have hot flashes but I'm not stripping my clothes off in public as much as I was...and I wasn't even getting paid to do it.  Hell, with my road map of scars people might pay me to put my clothes back on. I tried a new medication called Brisdell as well.  It helped a lot but it made me so sleepy at night that I felt like I wouldn't wake up if the kids needed me so I stopped taking it.  I might try again though.  I wasn't in the best place emotionally at that time so it could have been a mix of issues.  The Brisdell doesn't have any hormones so it is safe for us BRCA Mutants.  Seems like a miracle drug if it didn't make me loopy and pass out.  Literally had to take it while in bed or I might not make it there before I was falling asleep. 

I had my first breast MRI in October.  I was scared to death of that thing.  I was scared that I would get sick from the dye, get sick from anxiety of being trapped and scared that they would find something.  My doctor told me to take some anti-anxiety meds before so I did.  I might have been a little too happy to show my sister the weird stickers they put on my nipples after because of it.  I made it through the test though.  Not without some anxiety but I made it.  Test results came back pretty good.  I have a few things they are keeping an eye on like always but everything looks good for now.  Four months and I have to get a mammogram...piece of cake!

Mammograms don't bother me at all.  Take your shirt off, let some nice lady put your boob in a vice and take pictures.  No big deal.  Then you get to see your images a little while you are waiting topless in a cold room to see if she needs to take additional pictures.  The pictures after squeezing your breast flat as a pancake are amazing though.  My breasts have never looked so good.  If you have ever had one, you know what I mean.  They are perfectly round and look even better than they did before breastfeeding 3 kids. 

Get your mammograms ladies!  It isn't nearly as bad as the horror stories.  I have never had any pain while getting one.  Ok sometimes its not the most comfortable position to be in but its not that bad.  At least we don't have to turn our head and cough.  We just have to turn our head while they squeeze our boobs.  Believe me when I say a baby grabbing your boob and using it as leverage to pull themselves up hurts WAY worse!  All moms know what I mean when I say that. 

Well that is a little recap of the last year.  Lots of crap but off to bigger and better things.  The saying "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" is kind of crap though.  I lived by that for a long time but I bottled up the emotions.  I'm learning now to process the emotions and let myself feel the pain so I can move forward with my life and be that "stronger" person.  This quote seems more fitting...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.  The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come." Joseph Campbell

Thanks Laurell K. Hamilton for putting that in the most unlikely place for me to see. I needed it at that very moment.