Loss is no fun for anyone. Specially when it is back to back or constantly coming back to haunt you. I lost my mom when I was young. Shortly after my dad moved away. He left me fragile and young with a child of my own to take care of. I understand it now and I have forgiven him for how he handled the situation. He was hurting and ran away from the pain. It probably never occurred to him that I was hurting too and I needed him. Humans are selfish beings. It is engrained in us no matter how much charity work you do or how giving you are. He was selfish and at that time in his life he felt like he needed to be. If our relationship prior to my mom's illness was different things may have been different when she died. Through the illness he clung to my brother and nephew while I clung to my sister. Those were our support people that got us through it all. Then after Mom passed away my dad clung to another woman. I hated her. I really truly hated that woman for coming in and trying to replace my mom. How could this woman think she would ever replace my dear angelic mother? Well, that was my interpretation of it at the time...
After all of these years I realize that she is good for my dad. They take care of each other and neither of them are alone. I do believe they love each other now but I know neither of them are in love the way they were with their deceased spouses. It works for them. The companionship and friendship they have is good for them. They fight sometimes and that is weird to me. My parents never fought. I never saw one single fight between them. It just didn't happen. They loved each other so much that nothing could make them so mad at each other that they would fight and be hateful in any way. That is the love that I have always wanted. Love can conquer all...except cancer.
Cancer stole my mom from our family. When I found out I was BRCA positive I instantly became obsessed with cancer. I wanted to learn how this mutation affected me and any potential cancers I could get as a result of it. I may have went a little mad with it. Everything I felt or any symptoms I had I was scared that it was a sign of cancer. I had my hysterectomy and BSO and that has calmed a little. I no longer worry about ovarian cancer but there's the breasts, skin, colon, etc that I still worry about. I'm not one of those "run to the doctor" kind of people. I sit back and I stress about the "what if's" of it all. What if I end up with breast cancer before I can have the PBM? What if my children are left to live out their lives in the same situation I did? What if their dad won't be there to support them emotionally if I'm gone?
I know there are so many "what ifs" in life and worrying about them will not make the outcome any better but I can't retrain my brain to think differently. I'm trying very hard though. I don't think about it constantly but it does happen often.
This weekend has been a rough one. I'm mad. I'm mad at Donnie. I'm mad at my situation. I'm mad at my inabilities. I'm mad at my frustration. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I can't let go of the hurt and pain I feel from all of these losses in my life. I'm mad that I have had to endure these losses and pain. I have all of this anger inside me and I don't know how to let go of it. I know I'm trying to work through the feelings instead of ignoring it but I can't seem to pinpoint where to start or what the root of all the anger is. How do you put your finger on what is bothering you when you have so many things that could be the source? It is overwhelming.
I'm mad at how overwhelmed I feel as well. I look at the house and I don't know where to start. I can't pick a room and clean because the whole thing is staring me in the face begging to be done. I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just have to walk away from all of it. It gets done but not without me feeling like I'm going crazy in the process. That is just one example of the frustration I feel. I want to ignore things and hope they go away even though I know it doesn't work like that. I think if I ignore Donnie the issues with him will just go away but all it does is make me build up more hatred towards him. Then that hatred comes out in snide comments and looks of disgust. I'm careful to pretend in front of the boys but I guess that only makes me a really good actress. Unfortunately, I am a good actress and have been for so very long. I never let my feelings show when it is personal. How many times people have said something about my mom and I say "its ok" when really its not at all?? Way too many to count. Its not ok! Its not ok that I lost her and its not ok that Donnie walked out. It fucking hurts. I feel lost. I feel like I got dealt the shitty hand of life.
Strong...everyone tells me how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel weak! I feel like I'm weak because I can't have this perfect little life for the kids. I feel weak because I can't handle the stress and pain. All of that weakness I feel turns into anger. It is a vicious cycle and menopause doesn't help any of it. I feel like a crazy person muddling through life as I'm being thrown curve balls. I just keep dodging and walking the path that I'm walking. It is never ending and never changing. It is full of pain, loss and anger. I just want to find that rainbow that doesn't fade when the clouds move in. I want to find that happiness that lasts through the hard times.
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Monday, December 15, 2014
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The beginning of my journey
Here it goes...
My first blog EVER. I want to document my journey and hope that I can help other women going through this. First I will warn you that writing was never my strength. Please excuse me for that. I plan on posting pictures of my journey as well so please keep that in mind.
I started this journey 4 years ago at my 6 week postpartum appointment. My OB/GYN suggested I take a simple blood test because of my family history. My mother lost her battle with ovarian cancer when I was 17 and my aunt was battling a breast cancer relapse at the time. I had just had my third son, had a emergency open appendectomy 5 days postpartum and had my gallbladder removed 2 weeks postpartum...what was another stick with a needle?! Little did I know, that blood test would change my life forever.
I got the call at work about a week later. I knew something was wrong when the doctor was on the other end of the line instead of a nurse. He gave me the news and the statistics. He wanted me to schedule a hysterectomy immediately and seek out a surgeon that would do the prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Wow that was a lot of news to get at work. My brain shut down and all I could do was cry. I had this tiny baby and had just returned to work after a birth and two surgeries. I didn't want anything to do with hospitals or doctors at that moment.
A few weeks went by while I tried to forget this information and get back into the swing of things with a new baby. I processed the information slowly and had break downs many times while alone. Breastfeeding was more important to me than pushing to have the surgeries so I put it all on the back burner.
A few months later I developed a lump in my right breast. I called my family doctor and got in right away. He ordered a mammogram and breast ultrasound. My tests came back ok. I had a cyst in my milk duct but it would go away on its own. The reality of the gene mutation hit me and I knew I couldn't ignore this. I started getting mammos and ultrasounds every year from that point on.
I knew I wasn't ready to move forward with the surgeries yet but at least I was being proactive and getting tests regularly. I couldn't imagine taking away the precious moments with my last baby.
These breasts have fed three children and provided comfort for them. I couldn't take that away until he was ready. I think I needed to give him his time before I could even consider chopping them off. I felt that way...like I was chopping my boobs off.
I looked at pictures and was horrified at first. Now that I have done more research and found more support I feel better about it.
Jump forward two years and I married the love of my life. After 10 years of living together, three sons and all the tribulations of life we finally decided to get married. I know...a little backwards but o'well.
We live a crazy life. Its full of ups and downs, running like crazy for sports, different work schedules and just plain life. We make the best of it all and have a blast in the process.
Recently we had a scare with my father. His prostate has been enlarged and had to be removed. The thought of losing him made me realize that I need to get serious about BRCA1. I did my research and found a GYN that has lots of experience with BRCA. I guess she is in high demand because I had to wait 2 months to be seen. I went to my appointment thinking it would be the same as my previous doctor and I would have to ask for specific testing I wanted done and beg for things I thought I needed. Wow was I shocked! She is amazing! She walked in the room, sat down with me and asked my opinion first. She asked me where I was in my own head with this information and what I wanted. We discussed breastfeeding and my plan to wait for the breast surgery. She referred me to a general surgeon and plastic surgeon that work together well and have experience. Amazingly it was the plastics guy that I had already chosen for my breast surgery. I was impressed that we were on the same train of thought already. Before I even had a chance to get out my list of questions she was answering them during our talk. I went in planning to beg for breast MRIs and she brought it up first. I had been begging my previous doctor for years but she guaranteed me that she will get it approved within the next 4-6 weeks. She did a CA-125 test while I was there and ordered an ultrasound for the next day. Wow what a difference it makes to go to someone that knows more about BRCA!
We discussed the hysterectomy portion and decided that it is time to move forward with it. She also referred me to an oncologist that specializes in female cancers. No waiting there...she called personally and got me an appointment for three days later. I see him Tuesday morning. She told me he may recommend an estrogen blocker. I think I'm more terrified of the medical menopause than the surgery.
I am calling my GYN back tomorrow to set the date for my hysterectomy. I had to get some things in line after seeing her on Thursday. Short Term Disability denied me because I'm not outside of my 12 month preexisting clause so I have decided to liquidate my annuity to cover my wages. Lots of big decisions and emotions over the past few days but I'm handling it.
A few weeks ago I decided I needed something to remind me daily that I am BRCA1 positive so I got a tattoo. I decided I wanted the breast and ovarian cancer ribbon and added the word Strength because it takes a lot to get through all of this. At the end of my journey I want to add the word Previvor to it somehow.
Know your options, talk to others, join a group, make the decisions that are right for you. For me the decision is clear because I watched my mom battle ovarian cancer for over two years. I saw the fight and I watched her lose. The journey scares me but cancer scares me more. I live every day of my life feeling like I'm waiting for cancer to strike and I'm tired of it.
My first blog EVER. I want to document my journey and hope that I can help other women going through this. First I will warn you that writing was never my strength. Please excuse me for that. I plan on posting pictures of my journey as well so please keep that in mind.
I started this journey 4 years ago at my 6 week postpartum appointment. My OB/GYN suggested I take a simple blood test because of my family history. My mother lost her battle with ovarian cancer when I was 17 and my aunt was battling a breast cancer relapse at the time. I had just had my third son, had a emergency open appendectomy 5 days postpartum and had my gallbladder removed 2 weeks postpartum...what was another stick with a needle?! Little did I know, that blood test would change my life forever.
A baby and two surgeries later
I got the call at work about a week later. I knew something was wrong when the doctor was on the other end of the line instead of a nurse. He gave me the news and the statistics. He wanted me to schedule a hysterectomy immediately and seek out a surgeon that would do the prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Wow that was a lot of news to get at work. My brain shut down and all I could do was cry. I had this tiny baby and had just returned to work after a birth and two surgeries. I didn't want anything to do with hospitals or doctors at that moment.
A few weeks went by while I tried to forget this information and get back into the swing of things with a new baby. I processed the information slowly and had break downs many times while alone. Breastfeeding was more important to me than pushing to have the surgeries so I put it all on the back burner.
A few months later I developed a lump in my right breast. I called my family doctor and got in right away. He ordered a mammogram and breast ultrasound. My tests came back ok. I had a cyst in my milk duct but it would go away on its own. The reality of the gene mutation hit me and I knew I couldn't ignore this. I started getting mammos and ultrasounds every year from that point on.
I knew I wasn't ready to move forward with the surgeries yet but at least I was being proactive and getting tests regularly. I couldn't imagine taking away the precious moments with my last baby.
nursing from a mother's view
These breasts have fed three children and provided comfort for them. I couldn't take that away until he was ready. I think I needed to give him his time before I could even consider chopping them off. I felt that way...like I was chopping my boobs off.
I looked at pictures and was horrified at first. Now that I have done more research and found more support I feel better about it.
Jump forward two years and I married the love of my life. After 10 years of living together, three sons and all the tribulations of life we finally decided to get married. I know...a little backwards but o'well.
Our wedding day
We live a crazy life. Its full of ups and downs, running like crazy for sports, different work schedules and just plain life. We make the best of it all and have a blast in the process.
Recently we had a scare with my father. His prostate has been enlarged and had to be removed. The thought of losing him made me realize that I need to get serious about BRCA1. I did my research and found a GYN that has lots of experience with BRCA. I guess she is in high demand because I had to wait 2 months to be seen. I went to my appointment thinking it would be the same as my previous doctor and I would have to ask for specific testing I wanted done and beg for things I thought I needed. Wow was I shocked! She is amazing! She walked in the room, sat down with me and asked my opinion first. She asked me where I was in my own head with this information and what I wanted. We discussed breastfeeding and my plan to wait for the breast surgery. She referred me to a general surgeon and plastic surgeon that work together well and have experience. Amazingly it was the plastics guy that I had already chosen for my breast surgery. I was impressed that we were on the same train of thought already. Before I even had a chance to get out my list of questions she was answering them during our talk. I went in planning to beg for breast MRIs and she brought it up first. I had been begging my previous doctor for years but she guaranteed me that she will get it approved within the next 4-6 weeks. She did a CA-125 test while I was there and ordered an ultrasound for the next day. Wow what a difference it makes to go to someone that knows more about BRCA!
We discussed the hysterectomy portion and decided that it is time to move forward with it. She also referred me to an oncologist that specializes in female cancers. No waiting there...she called personally and got me an appointment for three days later. I see him Tuesday morning. She told me he may recommend an estrogen blocker. I think I'm more terrified of the medical menopause than the surgery.
I am calling my GYN back tomorrow to set the date for my hysterectomy. I had to get some things in line after seeing her on Thursday. Short Term Disability denied me because I'm not outside of my 12 month preexisting clause so I have decided to liquidate my annuity to cover my wages. Lots of big decisions and emotions over the past few days but I'm handling it.
A few weeks ago I decided I needed something to remind me daily that I am BRCA1 positive so I got a tattoo. I decided I wanted the breast and ovarian cancer ribbon and added the word Strength because it takes a lot to get through all of this. At the end of my journey I want to add the word Previvor to it somehow.
That's the beginning. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer when I was a teenager and I don't want that to happen to my boys.
My boys
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