Loss is no fun for anyone. Specially when it is back to back or constantly coming back to haunt you. I lost my mom when I was young. Shortly after my dad moved away. He left me fragile and young with a child of my own to take care of. I understand it now and I have forgiven him for how he handled the situation. He was hurting and ran away from the pain. It probably never occurred to him that I was hurting too and I needed him. Humans are selfish beings. It is engrained in us no matter how much charity work you do or how giving you are. He was selfish and at that time in his life he felt like he needed to be. If our relationship prior to my mom's illness was different things may have been different when she died. Through the illness he clung to my brother and nephew while I clung to my sister. Those were our support people that got us through it all. Then after Mom passed away my dad clung to another woman. I hated her. I really truly hated that woman for coming in and trying to replace my mom. How could this woman think she would ever replace my dear angelic mother? Well, that was my interpretation of it at the time...
After all of these years I realize that she is good for my dad. They take care of each other and neither of them are alone. I do believe they love each other now but I know neither of them are in love the way they were with their deceased spouses. It works for them. The companionship and friendship they have is good for them. They fight sometimes and that is weird to me. My parents never fought. I never saw one single fight between them. It just didn't happen. They loved each other so much that nothing could make them so mad at each other that they would fight and be hateful in any way. That is the love that I have always wanted. Love can conquer all...except cancer.
Cancer stole my mom from our family. When I found out I was BRCA positive I instantly became obsessed with cancer. I wanted to learn how this mutation affected me and any potential cancers I could get as a result of it. I may have went a little mad with it. Everything I felt or any symptoms I had I was scared that it was a sign of cancer. I had my hysterectomy and BSO and that has calmed a little. I no longer worry about ovarian cancer but there's the breasts, skin, colon, etc that I still worry about. I'm not one of those "run to the doctor" kind of people. I sit back and I stress about the "what if's" of it all. What if I end up with breast cancer before I can have the PBM? What if my children are left to live out their lives in the same situation I did? What if their dad won't be there to support them emotionally if I'm gone?
I know there are so many "what ifs" in life and worrying about them will not make the outcome any better but I can't retrain my brain to think differently. I'm trying very hard though. I don't think about it constantly but it does happen often.
This weekend has been a rough one. I'm mad. I'm mad at Donnie. I'm mad at my situation. I'm mad at my inabilities. I'm mad at my frustration. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I can't let go of the hurt and pain I feel from all of these losses in my life. I'm mad that I have had to endure these losses and pain. I have all of this anger inside me and I don't know how to let go of it. I know I'm trying to work through the feelings instead of ignoring it but I can't seem to pinpoint where to start or what the root of all the anger is. How do you put your finger on what is bothering you when you have so many things that could be the source? It is overwhelming.
I'm mad at how overwhelmed I feel as well. I look at the house and I don't know where to start. I can't pick a room and clean because the whole thing is staring me in the face begging to be done. I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just have to walk away from all of it. It gets done but not without me feeling like I'm going crazy in the process. That is just one example of the frustration I feel. I want to ignore things and hope they go away even though I know it doesn't work like that. I think if I ignore Donnie the issues with him will just go away but all it does is make me build up more hatred towards him. Then that hatred comes out in snide comments and looks of disgust. I'm careful to pretend in front of the boys but I guess that only makes me a really good actress. Unfortunately, I am a good actress and have been for so very long. I never let my feelings show when it is personal. How many times people have said something about my mom and I say "its ok" when really its not at all?? Way too many to count. Its not ok! Its not ok that I lost her and its not ok that Donnie walked out. It fucking hurts. I feel lost. I feel like I got dealt the shitty hand of life.
Strong...everyone tells me how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel weak! I feel like I'm weak because I can't have this perfect little life for the kids. I feel weak because I can't handle the stress and pain. All of that weakness I feel turns into anger. It is a vicious cycle and menopause doesn't help any of it. I feel like a crazy person muddling through life as I'm being thrown curve balls. I just keep dodging and walking the path that I'm walking. It is never ending and never changing. It is full of pain, loss and anger. I just want to find that rainbow that doesn't fade when the clouds move in. I want to find that happiness that lasts through the hard times.
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