Wow, its been over a year...an update!

Ok, I have been off the radar for a while so we need to catch up.

Let's see...where to start...

Menopause sucks but its manageable, I found out I have a form of lupus that effects my skin, I have allergies to things you can't get away from and I'm now a single mom of 3 boys. 

Yep, you heard that right.  Single mom status over here...

Totally unexpected on my part but my husband walked out.  No he ran out in the middle of the night and then broke up with me through a text message.  Pretty great way to end a 14 year relationship right?  That was in July.  July is a hard month for me.  My mom's birthday, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary are all in July.  Its an emotional month all around. 

For months I cried and begged him to come back.  I was miserable.  I didn't want to go on with out him.  Everyday gets better though.  I'm seeing two counselors...yep two!  I have come to realize I'm pretty messed up emotionally.  The first step is to admit it right?!

I had planned on having my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy (PBM) this year but now I have to put it off for a little bit.  I'm hurt by that because he was supposed to be there and support me through all of this.  I lost my best friend, my husband and my emotional support.  Luckily I have amazing people in my life that are there for me. 

So back to the previvor journey...menopause sucks.

Well the lack of a period and PMS is pretty amazing but the hot flashes and night sweats were killing me for a while.  I gained weight, fell into a depression, was always tired and just felt miserable for a while.  Then he left.  Wow I was a mess.  I'm getting better though. 

My doctor and I agreed we should increase my estrogen a little.  I'm still WAY below what a normal woman has but it helps with the menopause symptoms.  I still have hot flashes but I'm not stripping my clothes off in public as much as I was...and I wasn't even getting paid to do it.  Hell, with my road map of scars people might pay me to put my clothes back on. I tried a new medication called Brisdell as well.  It helped a lot but it made me so sleepy at night that I felt like I wouldn't wake up if the kids needed me so I stopped taking it.  I might try again though.  I wasn't in the best place emotionally at that time so it could have been a mix of issues.  The Brisdell doesn't have any hormones so it is safe for us BRCA Mutants.  Seems like a miracle drug if it didn't make me loopy and pass out.  Literally had to take it while in bed or I might not make it there before I was falling asleep. 

I had my first breast MRI in October.  I was scared to death of that thing.  I was scared that I would get sick from the dye, get sick from anxiety of being trapped and scared that they would find something.  My doctor told me to take some anti-anxiety meds before so I did.  I might have been a little too happy to show my sister the weird stickers they put on my nipples after because of it.  I made it through the test though.  Not without some anxiety but I made it.  Test results came back pretty good.  I have a few things they are keeping an eye on like always but everything looks good for now.  Four months and I have to get a mammogram...piece of cake!

Mammograms don't bother me at all.  Take your shirt off, let some nice lady put your boob in a vice and take pictures.  No big deal.  Then you get to see your images a little while you are waiting topless in a cold room to see if she needs to take additional pictures.  The pictures after squeezing your breast flat as a pancake are amazing though.  My breasts have never looked so good.  If you have ever had one, you know what I mean.  They are perfectly round and look even better than they did before breastfeeding 3 kids. 

Get your mammograms ladies!  It isn't nearly as bad as the horror stories.  I have never had any pain while getting one.  Ok sometimes its not the most comfortable position to be in but its not that bad.  At least we don't have to turn our head and cough.  We just have to turn our head while they squeeze our boobs.  Believe me when I say a baby grabbing your boob and using it as leverage to pull themselves up hurts WAY worse!  All moms know what I mean when I say that. 

Well that is a little recap of the last year.  Lots of crap but off to bigger and better things.  The saying "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" is kind of crap though.  I lived by that for a long time but I bottled up the emotions.  I'm learning now to process the emotions and let myself feel the pain so I can move forward with my life and be that "stronger" person.  This quote seems more fitting...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.  The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come." Joseph Campbell

Thanks Laurell K. Hamilton for putting that in the most unlikely place for me to see. I needed it at that very moment.